May is hours from being over and I’m army crawling across the finish line. I’ve been pretty silent here this month. It’s been hard to put two words together, much less 500 words (other than the 9 page cultural essay that I just mailed off to my adoption agency). My creativity juices were/are low and I was too tired and a little vulnerable to put myself out there this month.
There were many good things that happened this month. I went home for my brother’s graduation. We received the approval letter from USCIS that we had been waiting for so that we could officially announce our referral. We were able to pay for a third of our referral payment and we received new pictures of our beautiful baby girls!
All in that though, I’ve been struggling to keep my head above water emotionally. The day in and day out of the adoption process has been wearing on me (which means it’s been exhausting for my sweet husband too). I’ve found myself believing lies that I once struggled with, but thought I had overcome. I became overwhelmed with anxiety about whether or not we would be able to bring home our little girls. You see, these girls are our third referral. We lost two referrals (4 kids in total) in the months of February and April. I thought I had overcome the worry of losing* this referral as well, but when another hiccup (actually a rumor of a hiccup) surfaced, I was all kinds of crazy.
The truth is that my life isn’t about me. It’s not about what I deserve and how I think my life should play out. I’ve been so RICHLY blessed and I didn’t deserve any of it. God knows every detail of my life. Past. Present. Future.
He knows every detail of the children that He will place in our family. All He calls me to do is to walk obediently with him and to rest in His everlasting love.
I’m not good at resting. It’s become even more evident that I’m not good at it now that I stay home and supposedly have more time to rest. I’m starting to think that through this season, God is revealing something deeper about my drive to always be moving. When our baby girls come home, they will need a momma who is fully resting on the strength of the Lord and fully satisfied in Him so that they can grieve and transition and grow in our home.
In a few hours Jason and I are headed away for a weekend of refreshment and connecting. We are both feeling frayed and a bit beat down. So when I heard that Jessi Connolly & Haley Morgan, the co-founders of the Influence Network, were releasing their book called ReFresh today, I snagged that thing like it was going out of style. I’ll be reading this book while we are sitting by the pool tomorrow…and then I will probably read it about 10 more times as I begin the process once again of finding my satisfaction in Jesus and not in all that I can do for myself, my husband, and others.
If you feel like you’ve lost yourself a little and are just plain, old tired, pick up this ebook. It’s $4.99 and I’m sure it will be worth every dollar. And they didn’t ask me to do this, I’m just telling you about it because I have come to love these ladies’ hearts and I know that they desire to encourage and equip all of us ladies to be women who walk in peace and fullness in Jesus.
*side-note: when I say losing, I mean that we weren’t able to pursue them for adoption anymore…not a death