This morning I was reminded by a close friend that I needed to get the story I’m about to share “out there already”!
So here we go…
It was almost one year ago to the date that Jason and I started walking (what we would find to be) the long journey of becoming parents. A day in October of last year, I went in to see a OBGYN because of some scary things that were happening to me the night before. It was there that she told me she believed I had a very early miscarriage, but that I’d be fine and she sent me on my way (not the best way to handle a first time miscarriage-never went back to her…). I didn’t really know how to process her information because we weren’t trying at the time to become pregnant, but through that experience Jason and I decided that we should start trying! We decided it was best to wait at least a month to give my body a chance to recover from what happened. We were so excited with the idea of becoming parents! We had our Missional Community begin praying for us and I thought that in a matter of months I would be getting pregnant and preparing to live my life as a mommy.
As the months continued to tick off, I wrestled and wrestled with God about why things weren’t happening in my time frame. What I wanted was good, to be a mom and to grow our family, why wasn’t it happening? Everyone else seemed to be able to make it happen, why couldn’t we? Was there something wrong with one of us? I became obsessed with my cycle, what my temperature was, and all of the other things that I could figure out about my body that could help me control the situation. This cycle of questions and control continued for at least the first six months of trying, then God broke through my prideful & short-sighted thoughts. I was clinging to the identity of being a mom more than I was clinging to the identity of being a daughter of God, chosen and adopted into His family by the work of Jesus on the Cross.
It was in June that I opened up my tightly clenched hands to let God move and act in our life and in the future of our family. I still didn’t know what that would look like and I often had to confess my idol of control and ask for a patient and willing heart. Looking back now, I’m so thankful for the grace of God in that season, boy did I need it!
In July, we took some tests through our amazing chiropractor, Dr. Tim, to see if there were any hormones out of whack that we could regulate because I was starting to physically feel miserable. Sure enough, my body was pretty out of sync. Jason and I took a weekend get-away to talk about how we, as a couple, could naturally relieve the stress on my body, since I was suffering from adrenal fatigue, along with a few other things. We decided that even though we were not close to bringing a baby home, I would leave my job in September. Our plan had always been that when we had children, I would stay home. But we began to see just how important it was to my health and our marriage that I start that journey sooner. We also made a decision to not use modern medicine and hormones to try to make me pregnant (that was a personal choice and not one that we think everyone should choose). We also made a few more changes in our lifestyle to help ease the hormonal stress I seemed to be suffering from. Our hopes were that this would, most importantly, improve my overall health, but also possibly allow my body to maintain a pregnancy.
Since we started taking those steps, I have felt tremendously better, not 100% but I can actually enjoy my days without wanting to sleep ALL THE TIME. As God began to restore my health, He also began to restore my heart and to open my eyes to the way that He created family…
Since almost day one of dating, adoption had been a part of our plan to expand our family, but because of the financial cost of it and how I wanted to control the situation, we always thought it would happen 10+ years down the road.
But God always knows what’s best for us and prepares a way all the time….